Embarrassing Words
by Shaetil
Summary: Zosan - rated 'M' - This is a CRACKFIC. Expected stupidity, sex pollen and unusual sex. Sanji messes with a plant which leads to sex. Of course. BONUS MarcoAce drabble in the second chapter.
1. Chapter 1

_I do not claim to own or to have created any characters, names or other creative properties belonging to One Piece. This is only my hobby and I simply wish for you to enjoy what I write._

_Warning: This is a CRACKFIC. Expect overall weirdness, stupidity, sex pollen, and unusual sex. This fic is based off of a list I saw on Tumblr of all the names that you shouldn't use to describe a penis when writing porn... So of course I used every. single. one. XD Enjoy at your own risk!_

1.

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Sanji advanced slowly, his eyes glazed and wild. The whole crew - even Zoro - took a step back. No one knew what that plant pollen had contained, but it was clear that a deep lungful had made the cook lose his mind. Sanji licked his lips and fixed his clouded eyes on Zoro. The swordsman felt a chill run down his spine as Sanji prowled toward him wearing a blatant leer. He didn't want to hurt his lover - even if that look on his face was giving Zoro the creeps - but he wouldn't hesitate to give Sanji a black eye if the idiot curly-cook was going to try and infect him with something horrible too!

Fortunately their reindeer doctor was on the ball.

Chopper sprung into action. He whipped a needle from his medical bag and jabbed it into Sanji's thigh before the cook's dulled mind caught up. Sanji growled at the pain and kicked out, but Chopper rolled away in guard point just in time. "I need to go back to the Sunny to examine this! Sanji could be reacting to a poison!'

Usopp's knees knocked together as he eyed the furious - and disoriented - cook kicking dents in nearby trees. "My If-I-have-to-be-near-crazy-Sanji-I'll-die disease is acting up again... I better come with you Chopper!"

The little doctor nodded sagely, "Right! I can examine you too! Maybe you accidentally breathed in some pollen. Sanji isn't contagious, and it'll be less trouble to just keep an eye on him here, so we don't need to take him with us."

Sanji had stopped mutilating trees and was slinking toward Zoro again. With each step he took forward the swordsman stepped back. Eventually the crew was watching the two of them walking in wobbly circles all over the field. Nami rubbed at her temples and sighed, "I can't deal with this... Chopper I'll come with you."

"O-oi!" Zoro dodged as Sanji grabbed for his shirt, "What do I do with him?!"

"Zoro, I need time to analyze this sample of Sanji's blood. Keep him occupied and out of harm until I know what's wrong! He might be hallucinating right now so he might act strange."

"Strange?!" Zoro's voice took on a note of panic as he dodged Sanji's fingers once more.

Chopper's little group had already made it to the treeline and were nearly out of sight. Zoro couldn't help but feel betrayed. It didn't matter that Sanji wasn't contaigious, that look in his blue eyes spoke of wicked plans that Zoro frankly wanted nothing to do with right now.

"Zorooo..." Sanji's voice was a husky purr. To the swordsman's utter horror, the blonde playfully cocked his head, watching him while he stood stroking the bulge in the front of his pants.

Franky guffawed loudly and sauntered away, calling out over his shoulder. "Have fun bro! I'm not sticking around to watch you two playing with your schlongs!"

Brook followed the cyborg, chuckling, "Yohohohoho! I would show you both some clever tricks with MY magic wand, but sadly I'm just bones! This old skeleton will leave and let young ones enjoy themselves!"

"O-oi! Franky...! Brook!" Sanji had gotten his hands on Zoro's haramaki, and the swordsman was desperately trying to push him off while trying to string enough words together to plead for his crewmates' help.

"What is Sanji doing? It's funny!" Luffy chuckled as Zoro growled and wrestled with Sanji's grabby hands.

Robin smiled, "Well, Captain, it seems that the plant has caused Zoro to show an interest in Zoro's... intimate parts."

"His stinky pickle?"

Zoro glared in their directions as Robin let out a rather unladylike snort of laughter from behind her hand. "You COULD help me, you know!"

Sanji took the opportunity provided by the moment of distraction to his right leg around Zoro's thigh. His powerful leg muscles flexed as he pulled their hips together. "C'mon, marimo... give me that one hundred percent all beef thermometer! I want to ride your bologna pony into the sunset."

Promptly choking on his own spit, Zoro coughed and spluttered, his face flushed brilliant crimson from embarrassment. Even when they were together in bed, Sanji NEVER spoke like this! "GET OFF ME!"

It was apparently time for uneeded persons to make their exit - so leaving the distressed swordsman to fend for himself, Robin guided Luffy away by one shoulder. The captain followed easily, still chattering like the monkey he was, "Usopp calls his a ding dong, but Franky says it's a power drill. Ace used to call his a wankie. Do you think he still calls it a wankie? That sounds funny!"

"Perhaps he calls it his captain winky now? I've heard several pirates use 'captain' nicknames. It seems popular." Robin suggested helpfully as they disappeared into the trees bordering the field.

Zoro whined in his throat as his crewmates' voices moved out of earshot. They were really going to leave him here?! Alone with a pollen-crazed ero-cook?!

When clever fingers undid his pants beneath his haramaki, Zoro mustered all his strength to shove the blonde away. Sanji fell back onto his ass. His visible, red-rimmed, blue eye was wide and hurt. Zoro briefly wondered if he should make a run for it.

Just how much trouble could Sanji get into by himself anyway?

Sanji pouted up at him for a moment, before reaching down and peeling off his own pants with agile twists of his hips. Zoro's jaw dropped when underwear swiftly followed the pants and Sanji kicked the fabric off into the grass along with his shoes. Sanji wrapped his fingers around his own erection and let his legs fall open as he pulled smoothly at himself. Zoro's teeth clicked together as he tensed - that blue eye stared straight at him, glazed and soft. "You don't want to touch me...?"

Shit - if only Sanji wasn't acting out some weird, pollen-induced fantasy!

Zoro rubbed at his temples, trying to relieve the ache of stress. "Put your pants back on, cook. Chopper will be back soon with a cure."

Spreading his creamy thighs wider, Sanji looked up at him with hooded eyes and a knowing smirk. Zoro couldn't tear his eyes away as his blonde lover sucked at his own fingers before sliding his hand down his body sensually, and pressing the slicked digits into himself with a contented moan. Zoro felt his own arousal twitch in response, and Sanji's smirk broadened into a grin - like he KNEW what this was doing to Zoro.

This damn cook was worse than a devil!

Zoro swallowed thickly as he watched his lover playing with himself - all alone. Sanji was acting hornier than Zoro had ever seen before, but other than suddenly developing an exhibitionist kink, the cook seemed to be himself? If Sanji was aware of what was happening and was asking to fuck, then Zoro had absolutely no problem complying. In fact he was pretty sure his dick would explode if he didn't have sex within the next few seconds.

"Sanji...?" Neither of the cook's hands paused even for a moment as he watched Zoro expectantly. "Do you know who I am? Or who you are? Do you remember what happened?"

The blonde groaned in annoyance. "What the fuck are you standing there blathering about? Zoro, you idiot marimo, just shut up and fuck me already!"

Well that certainly sounded like his love-cook. Zoro wasted no time - he quickly wriggled out of his clothes until he was naked as the day he was born. Sanji eyed the swordsman's stiffening arousal appreciatively and withdrew his fingers from his ass, leaning back on his hand as he waited. Zoro licked his lips as his eyes admiringly travelled over Sanji's lean body - muscles stretched and posture invitingly open. The hand around Sanji's cock was still moving with lazy strokes, and Zoro had to force himself to tear his gaze away from the sinful slide of skin on skin.

"You're not going to break my ribs afterwards right?" Zoro just had to make sure this was really what the cook wanted, "You know that it's YOU asking me to fuck?"

Sanji smiled broadly and Zoro's heart skipped a beat. "C'mon, swordsman. Show me what that fourth sword can do!"

Only his immense amounts of self-control gained through years of training prevented Zoro from doing just that - then and there.

The swordsman wanted nothing more than to leap on his lover and make frantic love over and over, but his pride was still stinging from being embarassed in front of the crew. Practically everyone had seen the cook trying to get in his pants, and Zoro just knew he'd be teased about this for DAYS. He wanted revenge, and making Sanji scream and plead sounded like a good plan.

With a glint in his dark eyes, Zoro dropped to his knees and swallowed Sanji's erection before the cook could react. Sanji yelped as the swordsman's tongue tickled at the fingers Sanji still had wrapped around the base of his cock. Zoro chuckled as Sanji withdrew his hand in a hurry. "Holy shit, Zoro...!"

The swordsman took that as his cue. As he began to suck and bob his head, his lover trembled beneath him, filling Zoro with a sense of satisfaction. Zoro could hear him making little grunts and sighs that showed the blonde was loosening up and e njoying what he was feeling. However Sanji was as strong as he was, and the blonde quickly recovered from Zoro's surprise attack. Long fingers wound into the swordsman's hair, gripping tightly in a show of control. Zoro could practically feel Sanji staring at how his lips stretched around the blonde's erection.

"Mmm, yeah... Suck it harder, marimo. I want you to fuck my dripping yogurt slinger with your tight throat."

Where the fuck was Sanji coming up with this stuff?! Zoro choked and sat up, wiping spit and pre-cum from his face as he blushed furiously. "Oh my god, Sanji. Can't you just shut the fuck up?!"

"Make me." Sanji wiggled his ass invitingly, "Pin me down with your love muscle and fuck me til I can't speak!"

Zoro growled threateningly as bolts of arousal lanced through his body. Maybe there was something to the ero-cook's new talkative streak... He tackled Sanji back into the grass and eagerly prodded at the blonde's ready entrance with the head of his cock - making his lover shudder as he felt the slickness of pre-cum being smeared around his hole. "I'm going to make you scream my name!"

"Mmm, I thought you wanted me quiet? Weren't you going to make me submit with that love stick?"

"Shut up!" Zoro condradicted himself as he leaned over Sanji's body and caught his lips in an enthusiastic kiss. Sanji responded by deeping their caress, parting his lips to allow Zoro inside. The swordsman stroked his tongue along Sanji's, pressing into the blonde's mouth while he simultaneuosly pushed inside his lover. Sanji's muffled moan of appreciation vibrated against his lips, and Zoro couldn't stop the little jerk of his hips when the dual sensations of Sanji's mouth and Sanji's ass flooded his senses with pure lust.

Without hesitation, Zoro began to thrust himself into Sanji as fast and deep as he could manage. Sanji threw his head back and scream with pleasure, his nails digging into Zoro's scalp. "Fuck, marimo! Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Do it! Shoot inside me with that smokin' DNA rifle!"

Zoro's hips juddered out of his control, and to his utter shame he came early - strangely, unbearably turned on by the weird dick references being spoken in that smokey voice. "S-shit!"

Sanji glared up at him from the grass. "Did you just come?!"

Zoro withdrew and sat with his legs crossed, looking miserably off to one side. His humiliation colored his cheeks as he tried to apologize. "Sorry... I just... Fuck, I'm sorry!"

"No!" Sanji snarled out the word, "No, no, no! I'M not done!"

Sanji lunged at the shocked swordsman, pushing him to the ground and straddling his chest. "I'm going to fuck your tits."

Zoro's eyes were as round as dinner plates. "Uh... WHAT?!"

The blonde was already in action - his strong hands pressing Zoro's pectorals together creating a respectable amount of cleavage. "O-oi! Sanji...!"

"Shut up you stupid, quick-release moss! I'm going to teach you with my divine rod how a man SHOULD do it!"

"I'm an athiest, dumbass, and I certainly don't worship your dick!"

However Sanji wasn't listening and was busily testing how slick the sweat on Zoro's skin felt on his length.

Accepting his punishment, Zoro reluctantly relaxed his body and looked up at Sanji as the cook began to thrust himself between the sweaty mounds of muscle on the swordsman's chest. Sanji's fingers dug into his skin - close to his sensitive nipples - making Zoro shiver. The slide of Sanji's body on his own was strange, but Zoro liked how clearly he could feel the shape and heat of Sanji's arousal. His view of the blonde panting and sweating above him wasn't bad either. The cook's fingertips clutched with bruising force as Sanji jerked his hips faster, his jaw dropping open in bliss letting a low moan escape over his lips.

Not wanting to just lie there and take it - no matter how much it was starting to turn him on - Zoro reached back and searched out Sanji's entrance with thick fingers. The blonde moaned louder when Zoro thrust three fingers into the blonde's greedy hole. His cum from earlier made it easy to push his fingers in deep and brush Sanji's prostate. "OH FUCK!"

Sanji's hips snapped forward, and he curled over Zoro's body, panting and shaking. Zoro grinned and pressed forward again. Sanji groaned and began to meet the movements of his lover's hands - thrusting his cock forward against firm flesh before grinding back against skillful fingers. Seeing that Sanji was getting close, Zoro sealed the deal by arching his neck to suck on the tip of Sanji's erection as it peeked out from his mounded chest. Sanji shouted in surprise when Zoro's strong tongue flicked into his slit, and he came in long, hard pulses onto the swordsman's face and chest.

Slipping his fingers from Sanji's ass, Zoro sat up, letting the blonde slide bonelessly into his lap as he wrapped his lover in a tight hug. "Better?"

Sanji mumbled into his shoulder, "I accept your shitty apology. Goddammit I feel like I've been hit by one of Luffy's giant fists!"

Zoro rubbed the blonde's back as his lover snuggled close. "So are you normal now? Normal for an ero-shit-cook I mean."

"Fuck you, I'm fine! Whatever that pollen did, it was temporary. By the way I'm still pissed at you for letting me embarass myself in front of my lovely ladies!"

Growling, Zoro pinched Sanji's behind, making him yelp. "It's not my fault you pissed around with that shitty plant and ran around waving your doinker like a curly idiot!"

Chopper found them later, still nude and rolling around in the grass as they bit and clawed at one another. He opted to leave them alone and fled for the Sunny, blushing furiously under his fur. The tests had shown the pollen wasn't harmful anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

Bonus Drabble

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Ace sneezed powerfully. A small burst of flame licked at Marco's shoulder before it dissolved into a puff of smoke. "Whoa there!"

Sniffling, Ace regained his balance in Marco's lap and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "Sorry, sorry. I guess someone must be talking about me!"

Marco rolled his eyes, "You believe those wives' tales?"

"Hey! Some things are best explained through the wisdom of little old ladies who bake cookies and pies!"

Chuckling, Marco stretched his neck up for a kiss. "Can you do this without burning my eyebrows off? Again?"

"Mmm, I can't promise anything. That was such a sexy look on you!"

Marco moved one hand from his lover's waist and gripped Ace's arousal just a little too tight in punishment, grinning as the young man yelped and tried to wiggle away. "Do I need to set your pubes on fire?"

"NO! I'M SORRY!" Ace let his forehead drop to Marco's shoulder when the blonde mercifully released his poor wilting erection. "Geez, can't you take a joke?"

"I'm particular about my grooming."

"Shitty bird."

"What?"

"Nothing!" Ace pecked his lover on the lips, "You're going to have to work a little harder to get me back in the mood now."

"What? Is Captain Winky not ready for duty?"

Marco's blue eyes sparkled mischeviously under his drooping lids. Ace groaned loudly, "I never should have told you about that! I HATE that stupid nickname!"

"It IS stupid. We should pick a new one."

"No."

"How about Captain Sparky?"

"NO."

"Well I like it!"

"Goddammit, Marco...!"

Marco cut off Ace's protests with a deep kiss. Ace melted into the heated caress, shivering with pleasure when Marco's strong hands slid down to knead his ass. The blonde's lips brushed Ace's lightly as he murmured, "So is Captain Sparky ready for duty?"

"Fuck yes!"


End file.
